Words to my child

REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU I came across something I wrote to my child after we were all “outed” on the registry. After all the work my family did, the click of a mouse opened it up again. I can't tell you how many people asked my daughter, “how could your mom stay with him?” I needed to counter 'their' words with mine. Here are my words:

• Remember what I told you ... You have the right to say NO to anyone or anything that makes you uncomfortable in any way. Remember that you have the right to be safe in your own home. Remember that you have a beautiful voice and I am so very proud of you for using that voice.


• Remember what I told you ... That there are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with things that happen to you in life. Sometimes you can not control what happens in your life but you can control how you react to things. That it matters more to act in a healthy way than to any actual event in your life. Whatever happens in your life, OWN it, CONFRONT it, and LEARN from it. Refuse to be a victim.
  


• Remember what I told you ... Knowledge is power. Knowledge and research are powerful tools when confronted by the “unspeakable.” It is through understanding the dynamics of the crime committed against you that true healing can manifest itself.
  


• Remember what I told you ... You did nothing wrong! You are such an amazing spirit. Never let anybody take that away from you. I am so very proud of you.
  


• Remember what I told you ... Be true to yourself. Stand up for yourself and what you believe. Only you have to face yourself in the mirror at the end of the day.
  


• Remember what I told you ... Nothing is black and white. There are shades of gray in human beings as well as events and circumstances in your life. Empathy is a learned skill.
  


• Remember what I told you ... No one or no thing can dictate to you on how YOU need to acknowledge and get through your victimization and recovery.
  


• Remember what I told you ... Being a victim may get you on a talk show but only healing gets you a life. But above all else remember the love and respect that we all share as a family. Nobody can take that away from us.

Family Re-unification Procedure

Here is the list from the plan from the Center for Sex Offender Management. It’s useful and used by professionals who do this work.

Non-offending parents will:

• Resolve feelings and expressions of disbelief, shock, and denial;
  
• Hold the offender responsible for the abuse;
  
• Remain absent of attitudes or statements that reflect victim blaming, minimization, justification, or externalization related to the abuse;
  
• Ensure that the child's emotional and physical well being remains paramount;
  
• Modify any familial structure and patterns that directly or indirectly supported abusive behavior;
  
• Consistently protect and support the abused child and any other vulnerable individuals in the family;
  
• Demonstrate assertiveness, effective problem-solving skills, and self-sufficiency while utilizing appropriate support systems and external resources;
  
• Understand the range of factors and precursors associated with the offender's behaviors and participate in the offender's relapse prevention plan;
  
• Work collaboratively with supervision agents, offender treatment providers, and the victim therapist;
  
• Take immediate and definitive actions when any concerns arise;
  
• Comply with recommendations of the child welfare agencies, treatment providers, and the courts; and
  
• Address any personal history of victimization
  

Prior to reunification, the offender should evidence the following:

• Identification and modification of cognitive distortions, consistently demonstrating the absence of denial, minimization, justification, or externalization of the abuse;
  
• Demonstration of victim empathy, with a clear understanding of the harm caused to the direct and indirect victim(s) and other family members;
  
• Recognition that the needs and safety of the victim(s) and other vulnerable family members are paramount;
  
• Recognition of precursors and dynamic risk factors associated with the abusive behavior;
  
• Development and consistent implementation of effective coping skills to address the specific risk factors identified;
  
• Presence of an adequate and approved safety plan that thoroughly addresses potential concerns within the home and environment;
  
• Consistent compliance with specialized supervision conditions and other externally imposed stipulations; and
  
• Effective participation in any other required or recommended services (e.g., marital therapy, family therapy, parenting classes, substance abuse treatment).
  

The victim's therapist plays a pivotal role in the reunification process by ensuring – to the extent possible – that the victim:

• Has generally resolved acute symptoms associated with having been victimized;
  
• Expresses a genuine and reasonable desire for contact with the offender;
  
• Understands that the offender is solely responsible for the abusive behavior;
  
• Is able to effectively and openly communicate needs and concerns;
  
• Clearly understands personal boundaries;
  
• Recognizes concerns with secrecy;
  
• Feels safe and reassured;
  
• Can recognize potential warning signs of abuse; and
  
• Has developed a personal safety plan.
  

The reunification process may be more successful when the family therapist has verified that the remaining family members

• Understand that sexual abuse has in fact occurred within the home;
  
• Attribute full responsibility for the offense to the offender, without blaming the victim or justifying, or minimizing the abuse;
  
• Demonstrate no collusion with the offender;
  
• Recognize the significant impact of the abuse on the victim;
  
• Support the victim and others in the home, ensuring a safe environment;
  
• Explore and understand how these circumstances have personally affected them;
  
• Recognize that the non-offending parent or other responsible adult holds the authority and power in the home;
  
• Feel safe and confident in the non-offending parent's ability to protect;
  
• Can identify cues in the offender's behavior that may reflect increased risk;
  
• Have addressed communication problems or issues of secrecy that may inhibit the reporting of risky or abusive behavior;
  
• Are working toward modifying overly rigid or enmeshed boundaries that existed within the home in the past; and
  
• Adhere to the established rules and limits established by the treatment providers, family members, and/or the supervision agency.
  
• 
  

CLARIFICATION: offender should be prepared in advance to answer the following questions that are commonly asked by victims:

• Why did you abuse me?
  
• How did you trick me?
  
• What did I do wrong that caused you to do this to me?
  
• Will you molest me again?
  
• How did you keep others from knowing about the abuse?
  
• How do you think the abuse has affected me?
  
• Do you still love me even though I told?
  
• Are you getting help?
  
• How is the treatment helping?

Sex Offender Web Site Sentences Families, Too

Before you judge the registered sex offender on the popular registered sex offender web site for your state, ask five of your friends if they were molested as children. You will be surprised by the answer. According to statistics one out of three girls will be victimized before the age of eighteen. The rate for boys is one out of six. Children are often sexually abused by family members or by people they know. This issue touches every zip code. Only 5 percent of the child sexual assault cases involve strangers. There are more than 295,734,1300 people in the United States and more 600,000 registered sex offenders on the various web sites. You do the math. How many assaults went unreported? Ninety percent of all new registered sex offenders are first time offenders. Ninety five percent are known and close to the victim. Why are we passing laws based on five percent of this population and ignoring ninety five percent of these cases?

I am a mom first, a child advocate second (yes, I have worked and volunteered in agencies regarding this very subject) and a wife third. It was in my child’s best interest to work through her abuse now, not wait until she was an adult, as what happens in most cases.

Four different counselors worked with my family, all specialists in their field of sexual assault. My daughter had her own therapist, my husband had his own individual counselor plus group counseling. My husband and I also attended marriage-counseling sessions. We have had a few mental health check-ups through out the years when when I thought it might be helpful.

My daughter is a happy, healthy, kind, loving child. She is a straight A student who just graduated High School. She starts college in the fall. She is a very well adjusted young lady.There were tools and support systems put in place to insure her safety. My child was not allowed to be left alone with her stepdad for the first 5 years after the molestation. Her stepfather was subject to polygraph tests, which was fine by me. My child is probably safer than the average child. My child knows the power of her own voice. She was believed!

I have told her biological father everything. He is very involved in his daughter’s life. We all work together for the best interest of our child. I have a Court Order for my husband to live in the house with us. This has not been easy, but nothing good ever is. Is my family not as precious as yours?

What am I teaching my child? There is life after sexual abuse. That she is valued, she has a voice, and the adults in her life heard her. That she should think for herself. That there are consequences for your actions (my husband went to jail.) That if you work hard enough anything is possible.

All of this would be worth while if when you get finished reading this, you talk to your children. There are no secrets in my house, can you say the same?

There is a real possibility the posting of sex offenders on the web will make people even more afraid to come forward about sex offenses. When the sex offender registry first went on the web, it made me drop to my knees. All the old wounds were opened up again. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I only have my address on the internet. I’m afraid to leave my house. When someone looks at my husband and me, we both wonder, do they know? We feel humiliated. Our lives feel threatened. The pressure is almost too much to bear. How can anyone heal - victim or perpetrator?

If the state is going to post my husband’s information on the sex offender web site, why not post all his information? Why can't they post that he has a Court Order to live here. Can they post that he has helped me raise my beautiful daughter? Can they post that HE makes up for what happened to US everyday? After all, now my daughter and I have been sentenced for his crime.

We as a society should be scared, very scared of the genie we just let out of the bottle. We can now almost guarantee it will be impossible for sex offenders to have and maintain any support systems. Scary thought. My husband took responsibility for his actions and he didn’t even ask what the definition of is, is.

The day of the one sin fits all approach to sexual offenders is outdated. We can not lump these people into one category. Was the crime committed in the home? Was the crime exposure or was it rape? Does aggravated sexual assault mean it was violent or does it mean the child was under the age of 12 or 13?

All I am willing to say about our situation was that it was caught. Early, thank God, I shudder to think what could have happened if not for my training, instincts and the help of adults in her life. The reason you don’t hear about more families like mine is because from the beginning you are told by police and social workers that recovery is impossible. There is no chance. I just didn’t take no for an answer and started doing research. I know in my heart then and now, that I did the right thing. ( my husband’s offense was in 1995.)

My prayers are with your sons and daughters. The cycle is broken in my family, God willing. My child knows the power of her voice. The people who need to know, do know. Thank God for that beautiful voice.

The key to this is education (on both sides.) There are wonderful programs and agencies out there such as, child assault prevention project, that teaches kids how to be Safe Strong and Free. They also teach kids to TELL and TELL until someone listens. We just have to hear them. Oh those beautiful voices. Tonight continue your web surfing to sites that deal with the treatment of sexual offenders. S.O.S.E.N is a good place to start. A.T.S.A. and Stop it Now are also excellent sites. And only then should you consider going to the registered sex offender web site. Do your research. Prove me wrong.

If you are going to have an opinion, make it an informed opinion and then if you still want to be voyeurs into people’s private lives (isn’t voyeurism a sex crime?) should you go to the sex offender registry.

Consider that because you might be on the internet one day. What’s next? Convicted drunk drivers? Drug addicts? Politicians who cheat on their wives?

YES THERE IS LIFE AFTER SEXUAL ABUSE.

Linda